I miss you alot
The first time ever after years, I've been touched by what he said these few days. I never miss someone that badly before, until I could cry all day for him. But then some people might think I'm over reacting. Still, only us know how much we really love each other for the past years we've spent together.
"I don't think I can hold on without you and everwhere i walk, sleep ... I think of you". Tears running down when I see this msg. I have the same feelings, everywhere I go I can't stop thinking of him. Walking down from the stairs of college, I can still imagine that everytime he would stood there and wait for me, then help me take my books and hold my hand. I miss you.
This is a big test. Although it brought me down so terribly but then it had made us both realise how much do we really appreciate each other. Normally, won't have this kind of feelings, until these days whereby we found that how important having each other side by side. I love you.
Although, I can't really hear in the phone but the voice itself gives me every comfort I needed. My heart aches when I hear your sick voice. Wish that I was there to take care of you. I thank you for all the patients you had on me, no matter how much I complain and cry. It is hard to walk this road, but with you by my side I promise I won't fail you.
And also thank God for holding me up all the time, thank Him for answering my prayers.
Everytime I close my eyes, I see times spent with you. Those days in Japan and Redang is unforgetable. Even watching Stich movie makes me think back those days when we were at Tokyo Disneyland enjoying the parade. I can still remember how we ran madly from the rides to tape the video. This was how the song went "Season of Aloha, waiting just for you .." Redang, that night when you hold on to my hand and we were gazing upon million of stars upon the sky.
I hope we'll be able to continue our diary full with stories and pictures .. this time you shall write. Hugs.
Praying to God that He will provide a way for both of us in the midst of "lost world" now and also continue to hold us together.
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In your eyes
In your eyes before you left me, it's the first time ever I've seen how much you love me. You held me tight in your arms, I know we'll miss each other so much.
Finally one call even it's very short, I felt that you were sincere to me. I heard your shivering voice, I knew you were very sad I knew you wanted to cry, I know you sure miss me as much as I do for you. Even though I'm 24/7 crying, you did not ignore me, yet you patiently tell me to wait, now I truly see the you who I love so much.
Seeking God, for Him to give me the deepest comfort ever. Since my secondary comfort is far away from me.Praying to Him that I'll sleep well every night. Asking Him to get rid of my depression sickness. Crying out to Him that He'll bring us back together soon.
This is the first time ever I can't stop crying in my life. Waking up 6am in the morning, crying silently. Again awake at 8am, crying out when the sky was pouring as if the sky is crying with me. I'm quite sensitive n emo for now, I'm sorry if I ended up crying infront of anyone. I truly miss you whole alot. Even love you more now.
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Speechless
How cruel can the reality be to me? First you're so far away from me and now not even a mean of communication at all. That means a total cut of from everything? I can't stand it for long, can I?
Remember I said in the past post that I was supposed to reveal something when I'm ready?
Yes now I'm ready to said so because I'm half way hanging in the state of depression. Yes, you're right I have depression since quite long ago. No it was not gastric at all, it was depression that caused gastric. It was depression that makes me couldn't sleep all the while, also make me hate food, losing all my concentration and interest in life and feeling tired all the time.
When I realise I have all this .. it was 2years back when he decided to leave me and was being treated badly. Everyone scolded for being sick .. they say I'm a terrible person, it made my condition worsen afterall. I almost failed my BUS145, management assignment for this one, also my commercial law papers which I did quite badly, if it wasn't because of God's hand upon me I've failed both of them long time ago.
That time I realise that I've lost my interest in everything, Joshua (my foundation coursemate) brought my fav food cheesywedges for me but I don't even want to look at me. So many of them trying to pursuade me, but I just have no interest on listening. I feel tired all the time, I cry all the time. Then I started doing things which I shouldn't do, I totally have no idea what am I up to that time..
Then it left me quite a while, until it comes back again last Christmas, I was pretty depressed over the way I'm being treated, finding out that he still likes her so much. Everyone knows I was very sick during the Langkawi trip, I didn't even consume any food at all. That was the worse I've ever suffered, I had terrible heart burn and a feeling that an evil spirit was disturbing me.
Don't know how I recovered, but out of a sudden I just felt that there was no burden on me, I felt so light.
The funny thing was I am looking forward for the Japan trip and again this depression came into me? How possible is that? But then I couldn't sleep the night before. Maybe it's because of that or my stomach was badly damaged for the past two times. Everytime I throw up, I'll have problem consuming food due to the level of gastric juice inside.
Now again I find myself battling against depression. This time it's obvious enough that I couldn't take the truth that he's no longer beside me, taking care of me, holding me or neither I can talk to him. A sudden of losing someone that's beside you for 6years plus is hard. I find myself hiding in the toilet crying all day. Or I'll be looking aimlessly dreaming when people talks to me. Everytime just waiting for a msg .. People asked me what's wrong with me, I can't give them any answers.
Just asking for people around me to bear with me for awhile, because I've really went through alot all this years. I really miss you so much.
Now I've revealed the truth and also I gotta face it that only me can help myself. Bear with me for a while my dear, I'm sorry that I made you worry.
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It's has been 3 hours since he's away from me
I'll never forget that last hug he gave to me. Never forget your eyes that tells me that you love me. Also the I love you hand gesture you did to me. I really miss you so much. How much I wanted to be there together with you.
I'll always miss your wide shoulders for me to lean and sleep on. Miss your warm hands that's placed upon the cold me.
I never thought it was that difficult at all, in my dreams you're just there, but when I woke up to face the reality I know that you've already flew far away from me. I cried, yes I cried so badly wishing that you were there right beside me once again, I still need time to adapt. Please just give me sometime after 6years plus of having the life with you beside me everyday. This sudden change may be too difficult for now.
Looking you walked far and far and far away from me, my heart became so heavy. I tell myself "You need to be strong". Im trying, trying so hard.
I hope that we'll be able to make through this 2years long distance relationship. I don't want you to worry so much about me. I want you to take good care of yourself.
I love you.
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Bu She De
The title explains it all, we've gone through so many .. Now you're leaving while I'm back here, I really bu she de ..
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I'm Lying if I were to said "No, I'm not sad"
I've been trying to not let those thoughts go into my mind, practically running away from the truth because yeah kinda afraid to know what's gonna happen after that so I dare not think too much.
But then all I told myself was "Yeah everything is gonna be fine after you get use to it, gotta continue your life". Trying very hard to push myself, haven't reach the cliff yet so worry not, still trying to look on the positive side to comfort myself =P Holding back my tears very hard, although deeply inside my heart is crying.
Realise that after we grow up, everyone starts to have their own life, friends are all disperse all over the place, everyone is starting a new phase of their life. Process of growing up.
I had alot of great memories during the past half year, I've accomplished alot by fulfilling my dreams come true to Japan, also Redang one of the places I wanted to go like years ago with friends, we really did had alot of fun. I guess chances will be rare after this. People either leaving or starting to work, we no longer can find back moments like this.
Thank you that you've given me much memories that will never be wipe off for a lifetime. Probably the memories will be able to serve as a temporary replacement of your presence.
I can't say that "No I'm not sad at all". There were many many things within the past 7years, we've gone through alot together but of course not that alot like how the adults do la. Yes, I'm a very insecure person always worry all the time, worrying whether will be make it past this two years for all we've gone through in the 7. First of course whether each other is willing to be faithful and commit into the relationship. Then others it'll be totally up to God to decide.
I am willing to wait if there's faithfulness and assurance within this relationship.
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Saying Goodbye is The Hardest Thing Ever
I shall complain about my itchy sun burned scalp first. Yes it's irritating me so much now, I want to scratch but it hurts so what am I gonna do? Itchy la, feel like putting ice on my head now.
Out of topic, so I shall go back to the title I've wrote above. Sort of like karangan then sometimes we do wonder around and wrote out of topic, LOL.
First of all, I doesn't really want to sound very sad and depressing here if I do, then I might be come after again by this phrase - "I'm not going to die, why are you crying over it?" Gosh it sucks big time right? I don't understand what's wrong with being emo at sometimes, crying doesn't bring any harm such as causing the sky to fall and chicken little get blame for telling lies !
So everyone gotta move on in their life proceed to another phase of life and so on. So do I, my challange now is to get use to the new life I'll soon face after like 6-7years. I wonder how am I going to over come this. First, no going out to watch movie anymore. Second, no where to go after college ends. Third, no one to accompany me most of the time. Er, so what, conclusion now is almost equal to total loneliness right? Hmm, kinda true since I don't have much friends around me to hang out with. Independance is the word.
Trying my best to be positive, cheerful and holding back my tears so that I won't get any scolding or blames is I ever fall back to the state of depression. Because I'm tired of hearing - "I don't know what to do with you". Instead of getting some warm comfort. Also, tired of being scold and ignored just because I cried over the phone wanting for comfort and so on. There's only me to comfort myself, me to tell myself "Suzanne, ur a big girl now ..." Maybe part of it contributes to the self talking part because I've been shut off too many times when I'm trying to share my problems with others. Full stop.
Right now, I might be crying while typing this but I've brase myself not to call you because I know I'll get no comfort other than scoldings. It's too late to change, because what has been done cannot be undo. When I'm being pushed away too many times, I just shut the door in my heart.
Another thing, I'm pretty tired of putting things up to others everytime. I've been tolerating until I feel so tired. Things are never to be done my way. If it's done my way, the other won't be happy and yes again scoldings upon me, probably even a middle finger shown right infront of me. Maybe I've been giving out too much, but recently I starting to feel tired that I have to follow others' way.
First I can tolerate most of the time, but in return maybe can tolerate me once a while? For instance, I hate this whenever I go walking around the mall - "After this we're going home", "It's too damn far I don't want to walk", "Just get whatever you want and leave, don't look at other things", "Are you done? FASTER !" "Faster la, damn sien leh". Imagine, you just stepped into the mall and you hear such words, how irritating it would be? Or you're trying to find the best product but being rushing off. Girls, would understand.
Starting to feel the lost of mutual respect between each other. I respect and obey all the time, so when's my turn? Everytime I meant I do not like something, I mean it and I don't find it funny at all.
Or probably when you're at this foreign country whereby there's no other means of communication, your partner can just dump you aside and walk away so hoping that you'll get lost and you have to catch up every step even you're in a sick condition so you won't end up in the midst of no where.
No all this memories hasn't left me at all, probably I'm willing to forget if I do see a change but I don't. I'm still in the state of fear. Having totally no security at all. Feeling scared and being blame.
I'm tired of not being cared and appreciate. I had enough of being sick and being blame for not helping myself. I'm tired of not getting the comfort I need.
Saying Goodbye might be the hardest thing ever but the true hardest would be leaving all those memories behind me.
Today is the day where I learn to be independant,Not to seek any comfort nor arms to lean on,Because I'm too tired to be pushed away everytime,I'm a human filled with feelings,Word that filled with hidden torns hurts,It went through my flesh and peirce through my heart,All I could do is cry silently during the night. Labels: tired
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Back from Redang
Sigh no I not sighing because I didn't have fun there, I am sighing because I don't get the see the sky that's filled with stars like in Redang. It was really beautiful gazing at the sky where you can see countless stars on the sky. Also the beautiful crystal clear water where even meters down you still can get a view from the surface. It's seriously blue in colour not like what we've seen in Port Dickson and Langkawi all those. I bet most would actually pay and spend time going Redang for the beautiful water compare to those places near us.
Everytime I go Port Dickson I feel reluctant to get into the sea but then here in Redang I spent half day in the sea. Fishies were very friendly to us, never bite =P Redang Pelangi Resort was good too, not too dirty and the food was definitely edible except the bathing water is salty. Lots of activities at the beach including volleyball, footie, snorkling or sunbathing haha. Sand is so soft that it feel like your bed.
I haven't uploaded my photos, feeling kinda lazy and also waiting for photos from other cameras.
So I shall just gave a preview of the beautiful beach, photos from
f
riend's camera.
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Style: Small kid look
I always wear this kind of clothes when I was still young. After going through some fashion magazine, I decided to buy one to wear. I bought it from Singapore, Bugis road. Wore to watch Transformers. Er, maybe it looks kinda weird but then .... nvrm. Photo will make the judgement than words.
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Now I understand the true meaning
After reading that piece of papers and reading through those previous posts, now I see the each and every hidden meaning within. I felt ONE word, betrayed. It can't be a coincidence, but then I'll have to face that all those are true facts infront of my eyes. I can't help holding myself not to let it out on him, can't help not to blame, because it hurts deeply within me to find out the truth.
I actually lied, yes it's wrong to lie, I lied to everyone around me, I actually know what's wrong with me but I did not tell the truth or make it simple, I did not dare to face it. Revealing the truth takes alot of courage, yet to face it it's more difficult than ever. I chosed to ran away all the time. Don't worry this is not the matter about anyone at all. I'll tell when I'm prepared to reveal it.
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Most Disappointed Moments
Recently, I've discovered truth from the past which hurts me so much. When you discover something that you would rather chosed not know or see, the moment where you felt this sharp pain right in your heart, your mind was suddenly blank tears was flowing down when you tried to hold it back. All you thought of was how could this be? Why must this happen over and over again?
Yes, it's a past BUT then I didn't know all this at that time! And this past was just around 5months ago.
One of the most disappointed element within is that your friend discovered the wrong doings, but the person didn't corrected him not to continue such a behaviour or care to tell me yet the person encouraged him to write down all his betrayal and so on. Well all I could say is that I'm truly disappointed.
I felt as if I was struck with a lightning, thinking back on those moments, it suddenly just turn into a big white lie. Doesn't it seems scary? So now proved whatever I said was right that time. Refering back to my Nov, Dec 2006 and Jan 2007 postings. So, he really did purposely went around to search chocolates and not asking for pay even it's so damn costly! T.T WTF mate? Me as a gf also require to pay for my own tickets and meals. I truly wonder what charms are there within? Even not compatible for everything single thing I've done!! I should had secretly took the chocalates and throw it into the sea that time! =P
Remembered why I cried at the basement that time? Well, I did not tell the true reason afterall. Now this explains it all. So if you think I'm practically writing based on my own intuitions or talking rubbish on each of my previous post last time, now I proved you all wrong.
Yes, I can be very mean but then what was written in the paper I discovered are 100times more cruel than this one. If it wasn't another person who appeared, I might be suffering until this moment. Sigh, why do I still love you?
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ONE mark also NOT willing to GIVE
I wonder why all this ang mohs, do things must go law by law, oh I forgot they're in the category of low contaxt "not flexible" kind of people. Try to go their airport and say, "I'm late for my flight for 5 minutes, can you please let me in?" They'll tell you I'm so sorry NO. Whereas in Asian's country things are done more in a flexible way whereby contracts are also sign based on trust. Where the ang mohs, will take the contract as a legal and binding agreement don't care whatever trust you have.
So, no matter what, they won't give you sympathy marks. Sheesh. I guess even I appeal the chances that John K will give me the one mark is pretty low, as my total assignment marks is around 45/70 addin my exam marks which is around 24/30 is pretty high already. I only lost around 6 marks in my exam. All this we had to thank each other who take the initiative to dicuss and share the pass year papers.
Tulan leh? 1 mark only T.T all this sem results in the credit range, but then how can my human resource marks higher than I Marketing? I thought I didn''t finish my question? Blehhh ... Complete the 3 more subjects there, I'm done officially a degree holder.
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Singapore and Rantings
First I shall start with my rantings. )!*!(*^!&@%!$$$! I am very mad over my coordinator who delayed my International Management results just because he wanted to moderate our assignments and further MINUS our marks. Nvrm about this one, the WORST is I got 69 and he's not kind enough to give me ONE yes 1 mark to reach Distinction, how ridiculous can this be?
Yes yes, I shuldn't complain because I've passed my Year 3 Sem 1 with 3Credits, which I least expected for my Human Resource because I thought I'm only gonna get a pass. But then 1 mark ..
Done with my Year 3 Sem 1. Close this sub chapter, Sem 2 will be an official closure to the studying chapter of my life.
Enough of rantings, probably you would be thinking why this stupid girl can't stop complaining. Uggh, so sorry I'm a so straight forward person, what I think I just write it down, haha.
We shall proceed to some photos in Singapore.
Aeroline, the socalled "First Class" coach we took to Singapore. The upper deck is the normal seatings like what we see in the coach, nothing special. We were served with Eau Clair mineral water and Subway sandwich filled with chicken ham and cheese, yummy. Also free flow of beverages.
The lower deck of the coach, where there's a TV and longue with comfy sofas and table.
We watched Chicken Little, Flushed Away and 13 Going on 30 on our way there. There was a lil pretty Aussie kid there, so we watched mostly cartoons. Then there were a group of Indonesians kids that came down to join us later.
After 5 hours of long journey, stopping by at both M'sia and SIngapore immigration finally we reached Harbour Front. The place seems familiar to me, hmmm it was where my Star Cruise stopped 10years ago during my Langkawi trip. So we started our camwhore session while waiting for Caine's cousin to finish her work.
With the clear blue sky, cable cars heading to Sentosa Island
Tired of shopping around at Viva City
Photos that you do not want to see, so er nothing to say but then take this opportunity when you're still young. Take this during 30+ and your child would run away from you, haha.
Classic Ship that I've never seen for years
After that we went for this japanese buffet at SunTech, SGD 34++ on normal weekdays dinner.
Look at the amount of dessert the girl had on her plate. We had free flor of snow crabs, definitely delicious whereby it is so fresh, the moment when you a bite the juices from the meat flows into your mouth. I think I've added 1kg after visiting Singapore. Yay, I want more weight.
Proceed to the next day, we were at Bugis Street. Looks like the Petaling Street in M'sia just that I find their things are much more fashionable and up to date.
Not to forget also, it's definitely cleaner than our Chi Cheong Gai. I've bought alot of things here =P Rewarding myself after working so hard during the previous 3 days for Maple Story.
Went to Orchard toad by MRT, hm similarities with Japan, we are required to swicth trains at stations to get to the destination, also tickets are all machine operated. Save time, save cost yet save the man power. Why wouldn't our country do this? They have machines but they dn't take notes. This is much better than lining up sooooo long just to buy a ticket?
Singapore call their toll system as ERP(electronic road pricing). Like what we called here TOLL.
But then the biggest difference is that we're not required to stop by the booth on the highway to pay money. They have this scanner inside the vehicle whereby once they passby this arch(Er, how to describe) the thingy will automatically scan and voila, your money is sucked by the machine. Again, why not our country have this? Definitely it would save a whole lot of man power and also lessen the jam we faced.
After that, we had dinner at this place called The Village which is similar to the Marche we have here. Yummy delicious, I had pizza with 5 toppings I chosed.
My dear and his look alike twin cow. Congrats finally you found your the other half now.
After this my camera ran out of battery.
Although it's a very short trip and we go some not so pleasant news but then I still enjoyed it. Especially the food and shopping part. Manage to find many stuffs I want there. Happy.
I stop and think for a moment. If I wouldn't had known him or I've decided to left him years ago, I wouldn't had an opportunity to visit Japan and not even Singapore. Must be God that had done something to my life that He had brought all this opportunity to me even it seems impossible for me before this. He can do wonders, even dreams come true for me.
Even though I felt very sad that he has to leave me very soon, where I'll be left alone here to walk on my own path but still I'm very thankful of those moments that we got to spend together. Not many people get to hold hands, walking by the street of Tokyo on that very cold night right? I believed must be more of these moments somewhere in the future although we are separated by distance. Distance makes the heart grows fonder.
Tears would fall every night before I sleep, when I'm counting on the days. The time is passing by too fast, I can't catch up to the pace. I wish to be strong. I'm thinking how am I supposed to adapt after 6years of having him beside me?
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You wish to leave it behind but your dreams don't allow it
Sometimes you really just wish to leave the pass behind but then the incidents will just appear in your dreams that makes you remember everything all over again. Maybe there's a part of my brain loop had stored all this past haunting memories I had and it can never be remove. Hmm ...
Moments of being betrayed and lied comes on in the dreams, yes I know it can't be real, it's just a dream but then it'll still remind me of the past which makes it impossible to be wipe out of my memory. Probably when once you really faced a horrible experience it'll haunt you for the rest of your life? "Because of you, find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me, because of you, I am afriad" - Kelly Clarkson, Because of You
If it wasn't the playful or flirt-ish side of human, probably all this past wouldn't be there at all.
It's hard to draw an end ... unless someone ends it.
Doesn't want to commit do not give you the rights to fool around with love and relationship. Not ready is just an excuses. Statement such as I want to know the person more is also too an excuse, because you can know the person even well if you're with him/her. In conclusion, Whatever ....
To the flashbacks ..
I indeed had went through many many hard times in my own relationship which none of you out there know how hard was it to walk that road, and now it's even more difficult for me to walk the 2 years in future. Imagine the worse point is where you fall down and beg do not leave me on your knees, yet the person said no and pull your hand, push you away so hard. You've tried to do everything to win his heart, but then every thoughts and even posting in blogs he rather talks about the other person than you. I wish the past it's that easy to be forgotten.
In addition to the difficulties to leave all these behind, it did not happen ONCE but ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR .. and go it goes on and on.
One why flirt with using those kind of actions and eye contacts, when you have no intentions on the person. Two, never to ask a person to "miss call" without a right purpose, only couples use this "Miss call me when u reach home yeah ..". Third, ignore and do not reply to msgs when you're not interested with the person. Forth, the most important do not let the misunderstanding continues, clarification is the best way, silent will only make it worse. Fifth, a perosn wouldn't care that much for you if you're not in his/her mind. Sixth, why on earth must you ever play the same online game portal. Seventh, don't spoil other people's relationship, you don't know how other suffers because of your careless unintentional behaviours- All this in return send the wrong signal if you don't watch out yourself.
When you thought ENOUGH is ENOUGH. Tell me, how can one person take the heart breaking incidents for sooo many times for the same matter and the same person everytime. Once, you told yourself, I believe that all this wouldn't happen again but not until the next moment you realise it's happening again ! It's like history repeats itself, worse nightmare ever ..
For now .. or past?
When you was happily walking enjoying and celebrating your special one's birthday, suddenly here comes the message that spoil every moment which leads to arguements. "I wouldn't reply them" pretends to throw the phone aside. Just to realise the next moment you left the car, he's busy typing msg and replying. Ridiculous isn't it? Give me a break.
One msg does kills. He stops, but someone else bring it back. No thanks to the sms. Honestly, I don't like it sorry to said I'm a very straightfoward person.
Everything is in peace now, no one knows what will happen again when meet during the year end. This is my biggest fear ever.
Labels: love, relationship
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