Susubear Little Inn: Speechless

Seeking My True Self

Sunday, July 29, 2007

Speechless

How cruel can the reality be to me? First you're so far away from me and now not even a mean of communication at all. That means a total cut of from everything? I can't stand it for long, can I?

Remember I said in the past post that I was supposed to reveal something when I'm ready?
Yes now I'm ready to said so because I'm half way hanging in the state of depression. Yes, you're right I have depression since quite long ago. No it was not gastric at all, it was depression that caused gastric. It was depression that makes me couldn't sleep all the while, also make me hate food, losing all my concentration and interest in life and feeling tired all the time.

When I realise I have all this .. it was 2years back when he decided to leave me and was being treated badly. Everyone scolded for being sick .. they say I'm a terrible person, it made my condition worsen afterall. I almost failed my BUS145, management assignment for this one, also my commercial law papers which I did quite badly, if it wasn't because of God's hand upon me I've failed both of them long time ago.

That time I realise that I've lost my interest in everything, Joshua (my foundation coursemate) brought my fav food cheesywedges for me but I don't even want to look at me. So many of them trying to pursuade me, but I just have no interest on listening. I feel tired all the time, I cry all the time. Then I started doing things which I shouldn't do, I totally have no idea what am I up to that time..

Then it left me quite a while, until it comes back again last Christmas, I was pretty depressed over the way I'm being treated, finding out that he still likes her so much. Everyone knows I was very sick during the Langkawi trip, I didn't even consume any food at all. That was the worse I've ever suffered, I had terrible heart burn and a feeling that an evil spirit was disturbing me.

Don't know how I recovered, but out of a sudden I just felt that there was no burden on me, I felt so light.

The funny thing was I am looking forward for the Japan trip and again this depression came into me? How possible is that? But then I couldn't sleep the night before. Maybe it's because of that or my stomach was badly damaged for the past two times. Everytime I throw up, I'll have problem consuming food due to the level of gastric juice inside.

Now again I find myself battling against depression. This time it's obvious enough that I couldn't take the truth that he's no longer beside me, taking care of me, holding me or neither I can talk to him. A sudden of losing someone that's beside you for 6years plus is hard. I find myself hiding in the toilet crying all day. Or I'll be looking aimlessly dreaming when people talks to me. Everytime just waiting for a msg .. People asked me what's wrong with me, I can't give them any answers.

Just asking for people around me to bear with me for awhile, because I've really went through alot all this years. I really miss you so much.

Now I've revealed the truth and also I gotta face it that only me can help myself. Bear with me for a while my dear, I'm sorry that I made you worry.

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