Saying Goodbye is The Hardest Thing Ever
I shall complain about my itchy sun burned scalp first. Yes it's irritating me so much now, I want to scratch but it hurts so what am I gonna do? Itchy la, feel like putting ice on my head now.Out of topic, so I shall go back to the title I've wrote above. Sort of like karangan then sometimes we do wonder around and wrote out of topic, LOL.
First of all, I doesn't really want to sound very sad and depressing here if I do, then I might be come after again by this phrase - "I'm not going to die, why are you crying over it?" Gosh it sucks big time right? I don't understand what's wrong with being emo at sometimes, crying doesn't bring any harm such as causing the sky to fall and chicken little get blame for telling lies !
So everyone gotta move on in their life proceed to another phase of life and so on. So do I, my challange now is to get use to the new life I'll soon face after like 6-7years. I wonder how am I going to over come this. First, no going out to watch movie anymore. Second, no where to go after college ends. Third, no one to accompany me most of the time. Er, so what, conclusion now is almost equal to total loneliness right? Hmm, kinda true since I don't have much friends around me to hang out with. Independance is the word.
Trying my best to be positive, cheerful and holding back my tears so that I won't get any scolding or blames is I ever fall back to the state of depression. Because I'm tired of hearing - "I don't know what to do with you". Instead of getting some warm comfort. Also, tired of being scold and ignored just because I cried over the phone wanting for comfort and so on. There's only me to comfort myself, me to tell myself "Suzanne, ur a big girl now ..." Maybe part of it contributes to the self talking part because I've been shut off too many times when I'm trying to share my problems with others. Full stop.
Right now, I might be crying while typing this but I've brase myself not to call you because I know I'll get no comfort other than scoldings. It's too late to change, because what has been done cannot be undo. When I'm being pushed away too many times, I just shut the door in my heart.
Another thing, I'm pretty tired of putting things up to others everytime. I've been tolerating until I feel so tired. Things are never to be done my way. If it's done my way, the other won't be happy and yes again scoldings upon me, probably even a middle finger shown right infront of me. Maybe I've been giving out too much, but recently I starting to feel tired that I have to follow others' way.
First I can tolerate most of the time, but in return maybe can tolerate me once a while? For instance, I hate this whenever I go walking around the mall - "After this we're going home", "It's too damn far I don't want to walk", "Just get whatever you want and leave, don't look at other things", "Are you done? FASTER !" "Faster la, damn sien leh". Imagine, you just stepped into the mall and you hear such words, how irritating it would be? Or you're trying to find the best product but being rushing off. Girls, would understand.
Starting to feel the lost of mutual respect between each other. I respect and obey all the time, so when's my turn? Everytime I meant I do not like something, I mean it and I don't find it funny at all.
Or probably when you're at this foreign country whereby there's no other means of communication, your partner can just dump you aside and walk away so hoping that you'll get lost and you have to catch up every step even you're in a sick condition so you won't end up in the midst of no where.
No all this memories hasn't left me at all, probably I'm willing to forget if I do see a change but I don't. I'm still in the state of fear. Having totally no security at all. Feeling scared and being blame.
I'm tired of not being cared and appreciate. I had enough of being sick and being blame for not helping myself. I'm tired of not getting the comfort I need.
Saying Goodbye might be the hardest thing ever but the true hardest would be leaving all those memories behind me.
Today is the day where I learn to be independant,
Not to seek any comfort nor arms to lean on,
Because I'm too tired to be pushed away everytime,
I'm a human filled with feelings,
Word that filled with hidden torns hurts,
It went through my flesh and peirce through my heart,
All I could do is cry silently during the night.
Labels: tired
adv_username = "suzannetan"; adv_gid = "suzannetan_default"; adtype = "180x150";
Author **Suzanne** @ 1:30 AM
Comments: 0
