Legally 21
So when you're legally 21, you can practically do everything you want including getting married without requiring your parent's approval.
No no, don't get me wrong I not getting married until I'm financially well enough to support the family, not until I own a car, bought a house or apartment and also have fun enough before being tied up. Well, fun to receive flowers (even I haven't receive any before) or get admirers before getting married.
So I've went in the casino both in first world and genting and not getting stopped at all. Pretty fun to see uncles and aunties 'throwing' their money into adding uncle lim's monetary fund in building more casinos. Well the odd thing is they even have a board outside saying "Counseling to handle gamble" that says if you have problem addicted to gamble you can seek for counseling. After reading this you sure feel like oh .... opening a casino is bad, gambling is so bad that you killed many and break many family bondage at least now they're doing counseling to help people.
Haha .... people who studied marketing they'll know, this is a marketing way called societal marketing. E.g. Shell sponsoring the sea something campaign, you think they so kind meh? If not because of their company's image. Body shop promoting animal free testing which is the same as well. Consumers are pretty dumb =P
So the only thing I did in casino was watching friend playing roulette and grabbing free drinks like milo and orange whenever I'm thirsty. Or sitting down watching Australian open. I only can tell you that even I watch for an hour and seeing each game, none I understood how to play at all. (Oh, there's a gambling teaching lesson offered too in the casino). No point donating my cents to the casino.
Next on is going clubbing. Though I've tried before but not till this one where I dance until my muscles are in pain. My record is to drink 4 bottles of heineken without puking. Yesterday went for Zouk velvet underground and now I feel like wearing flats for the rest of my life. I hardly will dance until like that .... even with the girls are safari I did not do so ....
Actually got phobia after the incident being molested once at clubbing. But at least with friends, you know that you're pretty safe. Too bad they're mostly aged adults last night, no leng chais to see. They're pretty daring too, approaching even though they knew you have a partner/bf that night. Give my name can, but sorry no number. I should had said "Sure, open a Chivas for my friends .." for free ....
Er, so why am I posting this post?
Conclusion, I look much more super older than my age. Police never stop me to check IC neither do the security check at Zouk .... Darn .... I look old ! I look darn old ! No way .... T.T Or it is because of my height? Please tell me this is due to my height and not my so old looking face and hair. No wonder they asked if we were siblings .. Eish I'm not my bf's elder sister stop it ....
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I waited and waited ....
I really waited for so long, days after days and months after months .... half a year just to catch a simple holiday before I start my job and get some endless shifts also before he's once again back there when I again have to face the days by my own. I really waited for so long .... why and how could it ended this way? Not even a slight of happiness given to me.
Same goes with the previous trips at Langkawi n Japan, even so I get to go I was in the midst of suffering not being able to eat well and totally in a really bad condition. My highest records was not eating for 4days and I'm still able to stand up and walk, so this proves if there's an earth quake I'll definitely survive.
I just wanted a simple holiday, having that one dinner, to leave this place in peace for a few days, to leave all troubles and problems behind. They say the longer u waited the more dying that you'll want to go. The higher hopes u placed the higher you fall. I thought at least I can have some time to talk over things that we need to resolve.
Everything was shattered into pieces, I just wanted that few days after so many unhappiness. I only could say that four months was never easy for me.
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Learnt a Few Things These Days
First I never expected such things to happen and was pretty shocked when I found out. At that moment I was blank, just barely staring at the phone hoping that one of them would call. When we met all I felt was a total heartache, only thinking of ways to give comfort. I'm glad that most are solved now and well all these should be kept within ourselves.
Just remember there's once ....
Even I saw things that I'm really mad and things I couldn't take them, I'm surprise that I could just kept silent and swallow everything. This is so not me. Just that I learn when is the right time and chose to be more patience. But somehow deep inside I still struggle.
Through all this I've also learned my position. I don't care or even mind if anyone misunderstood my intention all the while, they may think I'm selfish or what so ever but of course there's a price I need to pay. Probably in others' eyes I will not be the person good enough for you, if our relationship had caused more problems, I rather chose to give up, so that you can be the one they want you to be.
I'm glad I've once done my part and that's enough for me to be kept as memories.
I wasn't brought up like those in a family, I tend to rely rely alot on others, I'm afraid when I face situation where I do not like, I have the fear of facing uncertainties. I did not learn how to share because I was brought up alone in this house, there are so much so much that had brought me up to the person I'm today. I still find it hard to let go of the ones I love, also tend to react when things doesn't go as it plans. Neither I do like uncertainties and sudden changes. Why?
I just wanted that few days, yes just 2 and half days .... I can't even have them, while I waited for around half a year. Why must things end this way? I wanted a time to talk, I wanted a time to relax and have some holiday before I start my job, but no .... things just won't go my way. They'll just make me feel more depressed.
Also can anyone tell me what does this kind of skin condition mean? Everytime I lay my hand on hard object eg table or I pinch/scratch/bite my skin, bumps and itchy rashes will appear and this condition had lasted for a month. Something's wrong with my skin or my blood?
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UNTITLED
These few months seemed to passed me by so fast, just as if that once I closed my eyes for a moment a few weeks are gone.
Spent most of the time bumming at home, still lazying to find jobs, but people are the one who's looking for me and wanting me to work for them. You know, I'm lazy still lazy haha can I have my holidays until end of this month at least? However, I have attend a job interview on Tuesday at Menara Maxis somewhere near KLCC, oh gosh please you know people like me will take forever in the morning I was hoping I can work somewhere near like Uptown or near BU so that I can sleep until 8am every day.
Feel like going out shopping and grab a bite of Big Apple or J.Co, ah I still haven't been to Pavillion yet I'm so out dated. Must get all this chances before I start working. How I wish I do have a car then I can just drive out and not beg people if something came into my mind and I wanted to go somewhere.
I found that time is never enough for me, even I had 2months plus to spend with him, now it's already january suddenly I felt like it's soooo short. We've never really accomplished anything like what we discussed through the web cam like going on holiday and doing all sorts of stuffs before he need to get back there and while I need to get my ass off to work which declares NO HOLIDAY for who knows how long? You should know how trainees works like dogs in companies.
Now I can't even bare to think of going kai kai, what more about holidays? Always busy.
所用可怜，寂寞， 痛苦，堕落，你真的赢了，我无话可说，我可比不上你。
三句话，做人难，我不爽
他妈的，现代人还需要分等级的吗？就好像古时代一样，有钱人不可以娶不门当户对的人家。有钱就等于可以看扁人家吗？我才不稀罕的的一分钱。一天到晚都数我的不好，商科的毕业生都是笨蛋？你可想清楚，这个社会的成功人士全都是商人。说我抢掉你的孩子，我看腻自己应该搞清楚吧，是你自己没时间还毒舌乱讲。
这样子下去我觉得压力万分，真的好难跟你在相处下去。凡事我都往内吞，忍！可是我已经忍无可忍。高傲，自豪我看不起你这样的人。
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I visited many blogs and most are talking about what they've accomplished in year 2007. I sure have accomplish alot during the fast year even I don't normally set resolutions because I'll fail to do so. Or probably one resolution i should set is gain 10kg?
I sure have accomplished alot during 2007, the most successful one would be the completion of my Commerce Bachelor Degree in the planned 3years time. Another one would be visiting Japan. What else? I know, living without a boyfriend for months and I still manage to survive. See I dont have many friends around and if I do ask them out which I don't do anymore because I'm tired of hearing the answer that they're busy. Of course everyone have their own life and mine would be rotten-ing at home until I find a job. Oh I forgot I'm supposed to get my transcript to apply.
They say every new year will be a great one, but how great is mine? I would say no not that great at all.
You see everything I do at home will be wrong. They say I'm lazy ... Always sleep like 3am and wake up when the sun is shinning right on top of the sky. You know why? Because to me it's easier to pass the time during night and more difficult during the day. In short, I'm just running away by trying to sleep more.
One day I took up the pan and decided to fry and they say ... You better not do anything or you'll break every single thing in the kitchen. Yes I sucked, my IQ is pretty low, because I fell and knocked my head when I was 3months old. SO my brain might not work at times.
I pour tea and accidentally the stupid teapot cover fell off and knock off a cup filled with tea. They say I'm useless everything I do also I fail. Great, I'm that stupid.
Just because I have my life here in PJ and I don't go back to parent's house at times, they say I don't love them. Yes, I'm just another failure of the family?
When I asked why I have weird dots on my skin when I was young, and I wondered was I from planet Mars ?
I'm lazy, I'm stupid, I'm useless ... what else do you want to count in me? I've been brought up like this, including friends who said I'm a ugly weirdo so they refuse to play with me.
Slowly many many of these things in my life had brought such hard impact that makes me fall into depression state.
Nope neither of this will stop right? I'm just faking a smile, dragging myself to move on until I find a way to solve.
I don't know why everything I say or do, seemed to insult many. Maybe they just don't like my face?
Yes I'm a selfish one, I only think about me, myself and I, how to get myself happy and that's it. Yup I really waited for months to get a holiday break to go somewhere and I'm dying to go. I can't take disappointment at all. When I was young once my cousin promise to take me go shopping and the next hour she said she's not free, so I bug and yell and cry until my mom brings me out. And I was still crying in the shopping complex? Where did I gained this kind of attitude?
Why am I so worry all the time and getting depressed over some small things? Probably due to those days, when my parents tried to bring me home and without fail I'll cry everytime they bring me back even at the age of 13?14? All this had seemed to formed a fear within me, whereby I'm one with super high uncertainty avoidance (big 5 theory of personality). Or when my aunts go to work everyday, I'll cry and cry... for what? I really dunno, those day.
I tend to ask question like ... am I irritating? am I not good enough? why am I like this and that .. blahh ... or I'll say I'm sorry for being useless, sorry that I'm not good.
You may call all this self pity.
All this still makes me feel like I'm just an extra burden to family, friends and boyfriend. I tend to think that they would be better off without me, even at times planned to run away in whatever ways I can. For now I only think but no action, won't gurantee if one day my brains failed.
Sometimes I just look at the mirror and I asked myself, who's this? weird did I lose my brains.
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How true ?
The moment when you mentioned such words, in my heart I truly know the future ahead of us had fallen into such darkness that the stars will never shine to lead the way anymore. Maybe it's just like what they say, happily ever after will only happen in fairytale. When someones plans the future without you, when someone asked you to go your way and do not let anything hinder you for your future .. you know you truly know the answer.
Then you should have told me these years earlier. I should have known that it's impossible for someone to change at all. It's just that I have not learned how to let go .. no no supposed just that I didn't want to learn. Time for me to get a proper job and plan for my own future. Time for me to learn to do things in my own way.
What do I want to do? What do I like? I'm not sure myself .. so uncertain ..
She say .. you'll eventually find your true one, true happiness one day after going through much .. how true this will be?
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