Unfolding The Story
First of all, this post is written to express my own feelings. It's meant to unfold the pain, I've gone through for this past 3 years plus. You can judge me but you'll never know the amount of pains and suffers I've accumalated all the while.
I do not know where on earth did I find all my patients from, neither do I know how could I take the pain of being with someone while the person has someone else in the heart. It was not easy afterall, I've to pretend to be half blinded to take everything I see infront of my eyes or half deaf to listen words which are around me. My weakest point is to have a extremly soft heart, that melts easily. Finally, I've known that every feelings I felt for the past 3 years was never wrong at all. It was not me who's being over sensitive, not me who can't let go of the past.
I guess the tears for all these years had enough to fill the whole river. I felt as if I've never wholly love by anyone before because almost every relationship I had, they'll always be a third party involved. Sooner and later after I've accumulated too many problems within me, I've fallen into the trap of depression.
Yes I know the terms of "You can find someone to talk to". I did, I tried my best but still everytime I got pushed away. Finally I'm tired of telling and decided that this will be ocasionally diary. Or perhaps people will say "You are very negative". Oh well, maybe I am but if it's mainly because of him who is not willing to let go of the past, the girl.
I've always asked myself, why am I being treated so unfairly all the while? I am the one who's giving all the time, not only I did not get anything in return but it went all to the other person. In the end, all I've gotten was hurt numerous times. Running down of tears with no one to wipe. Seeking shoulder that was unreacheable.
When I thought it was all over, it did not, once and for once it just repeated in my life, haunting me for years and years. I thought I've gotten used to it and I can't get hurt any deeper but the reality was my heart shattered when the answer I got was "Yes, I still do have feelings .."
. I can't help to be sad, I can't help not to cry knowing that all these few years of not giving up and everything I've done was place into the drain and flushed away.
Now I truly wonder, it's no matter how much I've done until this moment, I'll never be appreciated the same way?
Perhaps it'll never work when one only says and not truly willing to let go. I'm being pulled into this game for years, hasn't it been enough pain for me? Hasn't I suffered enough? When things are not made clear, it'll never be cleared forever. I am tired of playing the same old game, tired of being a spare part. Do you think this is fair for me?
There's still much to unfold, it was all in memories haunting me since then ....
I really had enough, when only it'll stop? When I thought it was all over but the truth tells me it's not.
Superwomen by Chao GeEarly in the morning, I put breakfast at your table 一夜都没睡但我 不曾如此清醒 我早餐准备了你 爱吃的东西 这次换我等你被咖啡 的香味叫醒 想要找回每天早晨 对我微笑著的你 还能够 做些什麼代替我的歉意 总是望著我 小心翼翼顺著我呼吸 而我竟然理所当然 让你精疲力尽 You were my superwoman 安静的在身边 无条件给我 梦寐以求的温柔 But I am only human 我怎麼不懂你多寂寞 残忍的犯了错 不能失去你 Ooh—Babe--- You fought your way through the rush hour Try to make it home just for me 月光下静静靠著彼此 只求夜长一点 有多久没有好好看你 只是认定了我 无论在什麼时候回头 都有你的笑容 是我忽略了你也会有 想要哭的感觉 没有一种付出应该永远心甘情愿 再给被宠坏的男人最後一次机会 换我忍耐换我等待 不要真的弃权 (---Baby)是我把爱想得太简单 以为只要我存在就能让你取暖 心裏唯一的superwoman没有人能代替 不能想像更不能原谅这样让爱化成 灰烬
If there's someone who's willing to do it as it says in the song ..
Labels: Rants, Story
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HappY ChinEse NeW YeaR
Seems that I haven't been updating this blog for quite awhile. Mainly due to lazy-ness.
Happy Chinese New Year to everyone out there, I hope to collect more n more ang paus for my upcoming Japan trip during my April break.
Since the first day of CNY until now, I've not gotten enough sleep. Don't ask me why I really do not know. Spending alot of time on playing I guess. Feeling pretty tired now.
I lost the pig given by the restaurant during Valentine's day, I'm still very sad. I like that ice-cream like pig so much. Anyone kind enough to get another one? Please .... LOL
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Farewell
So many of them are leaving this semester, group of friends getting smaller from 6 to 4, 1 in Machester and one in Perth, sob sob
Those gathering times we had will only left to be memories .. as we go on our live in adult hood ..
Came home at 3am yesterday, surprisingly my aunt did not even ask about it at all. I guess mainly it's because she knows all my secondary mates and some of their parents?
Farewell to my close friend, Esther which I met since form 1, those days where we were in PBSM will always be remembered now and then. Days where we stood under the hot sun for 4-6hours training for kawad kaki, when we're at Bukit Cahaya, camping we had together ..
Still remember the day where Xj fell into the pond during mid night of the camping at school, no not because she cannot see, it's because she's so blur she thought the pond was a bridge.
The first aid lessons at Civic hall, where this Wei En order too much KFC and in the end have to tapau back. Also the 'kissing' of the CPR doll =P
Every saturday of Keen and McDs after the activities. Guys are always mad at us girls cos we always wanted to eat McD and make them walk.
Unforgetable experience we share in Bukit Cahaya, like building big tents, digging longkang, girls all changing in a super small tent, buried the horrible tateless chicken in the sand, drinking the paip water, fears we share during the night where the branch fall which killed 2 lifes and also the time where we woke up and chat around the camp fire.
I doubt anything else can ever replace the friendship between us.
I look horrible in the picture below
Oh no, my newly found shopping mate, Sharon, also leaving soon =(
Will miss her alot alot too ..
Next week Valentine's Day, what am I gonna do ?
There's no use being with the person when the heart is somewhere else - from series
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The Scene Behind the Story
Well, if you would to judge a person from surface there's so much more left behind that you do not see. You thought that person was to be a cheerful one until ..
Some chosed not to tell and kept it inside their heart. I bet not many people do know me well. Not even close friends, or those who knew me for years.
Sometimes it's difficult to find someone to tell ..
Then finally when u pilled up too many problems and questions inside your heart, it'll turn to a serious killing disease namely depression. Lately, a Korean star suicide due to this one too. Some people may view it as like, "It's you urself who thinks that way, It's you urself who do not want to help yourself so who to blame when you have depression?" - have they even realise that it's due to their ignorance all time which had leads to all this?
To live in a family like me wasn't easy. I wasn't brought up like a normal child with parents love that accompany me side by side. Until now, the story I was told it's due to their busy-ness and not so well income which made the reason that I was brought up here. The true story behind? I really do not know at all.
Imagine hearing your parents arguing about divorce since you're old enough to understand human language, or perhaps you found ur mother telling you "I'm gonna bring you kids go suicide together and let ur father regret the whole life". I still remember the moment where my aunt told me "Do not follow your mommy if she comes to the kindergarten to bring you". I didn't understand that time but finnaly I knew they were up to divorce that time.
There's still a series of events which is too long to be mentioned. Maybe it's because I'm the eldest, each of these memories have not left me since then .. but stay with me for life that creates such haunts that I can never forget.
Some said to me that, I'm pretty lucky to be brought up here .. Sometimes I do wonder, is it really that lucky? Perhaps lucky in a sense that I get more materialistic stuffs I want, but I've lost .. lost the love of parents, lost the childhood days with my siblings which indirectly built up my character of me, much of a loner as I've spent all of my childhood days alone playing with my imaginery scenes and friends.
Still remember taking out my masak-masak, arranging it on the sofa and talking to invisible "customers" and frying those imaginery "char kuai teow" ... Probably this is the main cause of me spending so much time day dreaming all the while, having wonders of imaginaries in my mind or talking to myself everytime. Well, maybe that leads to my creativeness ?
However staying here with my aunts aren't easy. Lots and lots of scolding I have to listen everyday, esp during sem breaks like this when I stay home. They can pick on the smallest thing to scold me, even just because I can't control my hair not to fall, they'll say I dirty the room. Or ridiculous stuffs which they can nag me for the whole day. Oh, even things like I can't stop sneezing cos I have sinus? - I'm called noisy .. I'm exploding soon
I am always envious of those who had been very close to their parents where they can share most of their problems to their closest person ever. I just can't find one that listens at home, they seldom ask me about my life. I am so dying for the love of family.
Other than the love of God, perhaps this is the reason of me being so deep in love with one I cannot let go. Because I've lost so much of this love since young ..
However, until now, even the love from one also will be parted soon ...
My dream is to go disneyland, pretty childish and lame isn't it ? I still recalled the opening of ntv7 showed the disneyland long video, which made my dream to visit since then. Wishing upon to see those fireworks above the castles.
A dream will always remain as a dream. It's more difficult than plucking the star down from the sky. I wish I've got that much amount of money, but even education I'm on a loan which only supports 50% of my every semester. My monthly allowance had been cut of from my parents since 1year ago, when only left my dad as the only source of income. Seeing my mom using her hands to earn hard earned money for us, how can I bare ... As for my aunts, they're not working anymore, so where to find a source of income ?
I was thinking to work as an airstewardess after I graduate. Many thought I wanted to work as one just for glamourous and all, but no it's because the high pay which I can in return use to reduce all burdens on the others. Even how hard it is, I will have to go through.
I really wish to go. Anyone generous enough?
More stories behind the scene ... to be continue
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