Work ?
Sometimes, I tend to think, why on earth must I work, in the end of the day when I receive my salary, I have to pay for 101things and everything = 0
I owe the bloody government 25k, and they sent me a late letter so I'm owing them 2months of debts now. Good, if I don't pay in time, I cannot get out of this country, sucks right? Next on, graduation ceremony costing aud125 = RM370, plus bus fares and spendings rubbish. Ahh yes, parking fees in the office. Meals and my usual stuffs I need to buy every month. How about contact lens costing RM80 per pair, thanks to my big astig. Wait, I've forgotten the most important, I have to pay money to two household as well.
Seriously, work for what? I will have no money left at the end of the month. Even I want to buy something I must consider very long before I make that decision. No new bag for me T.T I tend to be very stingy to myself, I always consider the price of that thing if I were to buy for myself, but I'm so generous to my bf, everything for him I don't really mind about the price. What's wrong with me?
I'm always thinking of saving to go Perth again during year end. Why leh? Why spending money on him I don't feel that it's call wasted, few Ks on airticket but I don't really mind? While I save every cents on stuffs I buy? Maybe due to the overwhelming joy of seeing a person after so long? I save so much, do so much also for one person only. I wonder, is he that important to me that 's worth or cost sooo much from me? Sometimes I do feel very tired of doing too much. Girls hope for return, they do .. there's no such things as doing without any return.
I wanna marry a rich guy and become sui lai lai, everyday go shopping, hi-tea with other rich wifes, buy everything I like without looking at price, go do my hair,spa, facial,gym whenever I want. Go play golf, swimming do everything those rich wife will do .. eat at high class restaurant, hotels and go holiday without looking at calender. Working life need to see calender, plan when got the most public holiday, apply leave, management approve only can go ..
I feel so tied up with working life, especially there's no such things as work life balance in our country.
Ahem, any rich man out there wants to marry me? I will grow fat for you and give you a lot of babies =P
Recently I saw my previous schoolmates, same age and they already have a baby around 3years old? Gosh, I feel like so weird, suddenly feel like I'm so old, suddenly feel like people at my age also can build such a beautiful family, they really look very happy to me just like a perfect family. I guess a mistake they made actually brought much happiness in their life now, an added soul not necessary will bring burden if you look at another perspective, seemed like the little boy brought much joy into their life.
No no, I'm not thinking about getting married so soon, UNLESS like I said you're rich, then I might consider. Sorry this is life and reality, hurts that the truth is like that .. Money is everything?
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Shouldn't I be HAPPY?
I don't normally receive mails, because I do not have credit cards, bills and whatever ... Letters like government chasing me after my loan is normally what I receive. Today I saw a piece of letter, I opened and there was a coupon "Buy one free one GSC ticket". However, there was no expression on my face, if this were to be 1month ago, I would happily grabbing my phone and call "Yay, let's go dating tonight, I've got a free ticket". I am not happy because I know there's no point receiving such things, when no one is there to watch with you at all. I rather sit home and watch by myself in front of the computer, even I need to stream an hour for that movie.
I had a bunch of fun colleague, but they're leaving soon, resigning one by one. Although I only had three weeks with them but I know they're good people. I would only put it this way, "If the company is good, people wouldn't leave without reason". So back to my own lonely life again.
Why people all getting married so soon? T.T
After being really sick for the past week, I guess I have somehow understand this meaning "Zhen Xi Yen Qian Ren". People who's right beside me all these while, I know how much they do care for me when I really needed a shoulder or a sense of touch when I'm suffering deeply.
I don't know why, I can't sleep in peace anymore, I always have nightmare, I can't sleep, waking up at wee hours in the mid night, feeling very tired but just can't fall asleep. Mentally I'm not resting at all, I feel very tired during day time these days, I am mentally really sick. I dislike that doctor, I pay you not to get scoldings from you, when a patience tell you something, you have to believe and not question or doubt that she's lying. Doctor without ethics. There's things that I don't tell you anymore, don't you think so?
The more I hope for something, the deeper I will fall in the end, the more I love you, the greater pain I feel ... My feelings can never go wrong, when something is going on, I feel things somehow. No one else knows better than someone does, that I cannot take any form of mental distress anymore, one is enough to strike me dead. My brain will start sending the wrong signal to my body and I will fall very sick. Imagine, I have to use anxiety pills to control my mind, so that my mind can stop producing chemical reactions that damage my nerves.
Only you know ... but how well you know ...
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This Year's Birthday is GOnna be A Lonely One
I guess this is the right time to sing that song by Wen Lan - "Zhu Wo Sheng Ri Kuai Le".
I know, I know there's still 3months plus until my 22nd birthday, but all along all these years, I had him right beside me on November 20th .. and every time my exam will fall on that day. I really don't know why Murdoch loves that date so much, other than year 1 I finish my exam right on my birthday and I ended up so sleepy.
However, I guess this year is gonna be very different, of course last year I did a super big celebration earning myself many ang paus and this time probably I'll just be working my ass off on that day. Still I really wish that he could be right beside me during all these moments, including the convocation which is once in a lifetime.
I've just got better from my sickness which lasted more than one week. On and off sometimes I feel not that well and sometimes I feel ok. I'm afraid to go for a scope. I never want to know what's going wrong inside please .. at the end note, I'm glad that I'm still alive ..
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Anxiety
When someone asked me "Why am I sad over?", I can't really give you a definite answer ..
I guess, if a person really cares he/she would do anything, there's something that can be done, but it's just up to a person's will, there's no use of forcing another to do something that he/she does not wish. He/she will just do it without needed to be told. Every human is selfish, that's only what I can say.
The more I become like this, the more he will run away from me, I really wish to help myself, I've tried 101millions of way. The more frustrated he's with me, the more you run away from me .. the more I want end everything that way. It makes me feel that I'm a burden to all of you, if without me thing would be better. I need encouragement, support, caring and love, I don't need another person to tell me what to do .. to be frustrated with me .. to blame me .. to scold me ..
I already knew the answer from the beginning ..
I can't take this any longer ..
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Meaningless
All will be meaningless, when there's nothing that brings meaning
Special day will also be meaningless, when there's no purpose
Something that I asked with force or begging will also be meaningless, when that thing is not done out of will
When things turn to be meaningless, there's where depression comes in
No matter how hard you try to sleep, you will not fall asleep
Do you know how does it feel to be awake when you're asleep
When you force yourself to sleep but there's something disturbing, waking up every second and minute, it kills really kills, torturing
When will this come to an end ..
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I've forgotten how to smile ...
I thought at least my life wouldn't be so miserable after I start a permanent job but just to realise things are really not that easy after all. I still have no projects on my hand yet, there's one but very small one so there's nothing to do until datelines come in. So you'll see me on msn and facebook very often, btw the company is pretty relaxing, they do not stop you from using, of course under the condition that you must get your work done. Colleagues even turn on some detective games to play. Small company less politics I guess, around 5.30 everyone will start getting very sien from their job and start chating and walking around the office. Ahh, the office looks like party, everyone will buy tons of junk food, sweet and chocalates stored in their cupboard. No wonder all those red ants walking on my table.
I can't sleep the whole last night, first it is because I can't breath properly, next is my stomach is burning. So I end up only falling asleep at 5am and waking up at 7.20am. I feel like taking sleeping pills tonight, it's really torturing, the feeling of tired but you just can never fall asleep. I kept forcing myself to sleep but no I'll just wake up every minute. I got so fedup with myself I started crying, the torture feeling is just like you want to die but no you just can't die. You rather die than suffering. Mentally torturing, I have insomnia at times, really torturing. Probably my mind have too many things going on? Or I have this typical fear. No I think it's depression. It's torturing and making my life span depleting.
You don't understand why I always said I want someone beside me ... I only can say it's due to many factors around me, since I'm young or the past everything has accumulated and I have no way of letting it out. All this will only leave me when everything comes to an end. I hope the end will come soon, because I'm really tired of waiting, times when you need a shoulder .
I don't know how to stand 6 more months like this ...
I've forgotten how to smile ...
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What's wrong with me?
When I haven't got a job everyday I worry and pondering what should I do?
When I got a job I feel so sien and get worried whether does that job really suit me?
Whatever, suit or not suit I must at least stay half year up to one year this time to make it look good on my resume. My 1st job already gave employers a bad impression about me. Also to be eligible for bonus I must stay until end of next year 2009. Why first day I already feel like dying? Probably not too comfortable with the people there? Uhmm, they do not share things with you and everyone do their own things. Something like mind your own business. You got your own project I got my own one. You don't touch me I don't touch you. We don't eat lunch together, like that.
Stupid damn feeling I just can't get it out of me, it's as if I'm not satisfy with so many things and they're so many worries in my head. Probably I'm just feeling really lonely? Or I just feel so tired over a long distance relationship that at the point now I really don't feel like waiting and I really need someone beside me.
There's something inside me I really do not know how to explain, lately whenever I sleep I tend to be awake several times at night, as if there's so much things in my head that I can't interpret what do I want in life. Maybe I really miss someone badly, so badly until I can't concentrate on things in my own life, I know that's so not right but I just can't help it. Anyone please tell me how to not miss a person that much? That all in your mind is only wanting to be with him. I guess it's because I know that person is not gonna come back so soon, so somehow I feel very insecure.
Anyhow, life must still goes on, I should be happy I can curi msn during work time and surf the internet. But regarding the job scope I really don't know, kinda scared looking the turnover in the company. I need to get use to 6hours sleep. Sometimes I really wonder why I'm not as lucky as the others, they always get something they want but not me.
I really miss someone badly now, that kind of feeling - uneasy and miserable. Loneliness.
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Change
I realise the more we grew up, the more things had gotten apart from us, those friends and everything we use to have while we were younger are no longer there. Finally, it will only be us one person left alone.
People change too, very fast I would say, this moment they could be a loving one, the next moment you know, you don't eve know who's that person anymore. Why suddenly I feel so tired of everything, as if I don't really want to care about anything anymore, probably just tired of living a life that I forgot how to smile. Maybe just feel tired of giving out all the time, just hoping that in return there's someone that would do the same for me as well.
For now, I just want to start work and concentrate and also give my best in this new job. Whether or like it or not, I will have to work hard for what I want in life, I can't be that selfish all the time ... my source of income is really important.
I only know, the more I ask for something the further it'll go away from me and the more it will hurt me as well. Since I really can't change anything with all I've done so far, what more can I do? Even I use force things are not gonna be happy. I can only choose to leave it or hope for better to come.
Sometimes, it's good to be selfish, I wish that I can be like that as well, always being selfish and doing things for myself only, but the fact is that I can't ... I realise it's my generosity towards a person that make myself unworthy.
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My heart has stoped beating ..
The same time I am writing the last post at this time last night ... the feeling was very different.
One was filled with hope and today it was a total lost ...
I'm always the one giving out everything, when I've only hope for that little in return, all I get is only hurt ...
Teach me how to love a person? When you give out too much, the person will take you as worthless, when you don't give ... he said you do not love him. Is this love? Threatening the other person when you know what she fear the most. If you do not want to come back, can I never force you to do so.. I'm really that worthless in your heart.
You ask me to grow up, I've already grown up long time ago, I guess the one growing up should be you. If a mature person, he would think much of his career and not only about playing and holiday in his life. He will have a life long plan of when things should be done. He will also appreciate things he have in life. He will know how much have a person done for him and in return he would not even count little things and I'm sure that mature him will want to return as soon to provide her a good life after leaving her for so long and not only think about himself all the time.
From the beginning it was a mistake, I really thought I could use time to prove everything and to change a person. No, this can never be done. A person will never be touch by my love or each and everything that I've done. Every time I will never fail to be there, never fail .. But I've fail the biggest challenge of all. Patients, tolerance .. will not change back any love.
You told me that I shouldn't had even went Perth to look for you. Maybe I really shouldn't... The day I made that decision to go, no matter how many people were against me, I still insist. Knowing that working in Pbank kills me, I should have stopped long ago, but just for that trip, I drag myself to work still, being strong in every way so that I can earn enough to make things come true. Do you know your one sentence already made me feel like whatever I've done was all purely wasted.
I've sacrifice so much all along, you said you wanted to stay until January at first, I'm fine with that, I know you wouldn't be able to attend my graduation, celebrating birthday, Christmas or even new year yet I never even long for more. I've only ask for you to come back during next cny, you've never even give me a chance to explain why, even I ever do try to tell you my reasons, you'll only think that I'm just purely doing everything for my own sake. I wonder, does staying 1 or 2weeks more will really made a difference? Speaking about mature, do you think paying the extra rent for one month while staying 1 or 2weeks more is worth? I know you're born with a silver spoon in your mouth, money doesn't really matter to you.
My reason? Since I'm working there would hardly be any long holiday other than CNY, where chinese boss normally let their employees off longer. I was hoping that you could maybe be around that time, then I can bring you to my relatives house to enjoy those good food once again. For me, it's like a season that everyone can come back together for once and be together. And I was just hoping that I can be together with the one I love.
I've even strive so hard to find a job. What for? I have a family with 3siblings and only with one source of income from my dad, I have a 25K of loan to pay off, I have no allowance. Even so, every month I was just thinking I can eat less and even not buy clothes/shoes and stop all my shopping so that I can earn enough money again to pay you a visit. Also, trying to arrange a date where I can go, do u even know when I find a job I even consider about you? Looking for a mon-fri job so that I can take leave where there's long public holiday, in every where, here and there I've never failed to think of you. But would you ever do the same for me? Or your friends will always come first in your life. Probably I've really done too much that made you feel like I'm a nothing to you anymore. I should do all this for you, supposed it's my responsibility.
Why it's so hard to love a person? Why it's even harder to give up when you know you should?
Tonight, you've killed my heart, it had stopped beating at the moment when you said "I can choose not to come back at all.."
That moment onwards I knew how much I really meant to you after all .. I have to swallow each hurting words you say .. you've never bother how much pain I endure, to you my tears will only be nonsense or an act of childish
I am .. deeply hurt .. if a blade can take away all the pain I have now, I will do it for sure .. I do not want to be with someone that calls his own gf a bitch .. Now you all know how worthless I am?
She always said to me .. One day I will find a man who loves me more than I've ever wanted, I'm yet to wait for that person to come into my life
So who's the one who refuse to grow up afterall? Me? Nope, I already know how to work hard to raise a family, to pay back all my education debts. I'm not like some other, where parents can give them everything. I'm not that lucky. You're the one who's not growing up. Only knows how to think of friends and having fun all the time and refuse to come back and start a career. You tell me, you've not stayed in Perth for long, hello? Then what are you doing all this while? I don't even get a chance to fucking step out of the country like you do. You've almost visited almost every corner of that place, No? Everything I want I have to work hard for it. Do you ever care to know how this feels at all? Every time you use an excuse I know there's something that you're hiding from me. Grow up? you should grow up, what more can you get from part time job? Find a real job then I will say you know how to think. I don't have alot of money to waste like you do.
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