My heart has stoped beating ..
The same time I am writing the last post at this time last night ... the feeling was very different.One was filled with hope and today it was a total lost ...
I'm always the one giving out everything, when I've only hope for that little in return, all I get is only hurt ...
Teach me how to love a person? When you give out too much, the person will take you as worthless, when you don't give ... he said you do not love him. Is this love? Threatening the other person when you know what she fear the most. If you do not want to come back, can I never force you to do so.. I'm really that worthless in your heart.
You ask me to grow up, I've already grown up long time ago, I guess the one growing up should be you. If a mature person, he would think much of his career and not only about playing and holiday in his life. He will have a life long plan of when things should be done. He will also appreciate things he have in life. He will know how much have a person done for him and in return he would not even count little things and I'm sure that mature him will want to return as soon to provide her a good life after leaving her for so long and not only think about himself all the time.
From the beginning it was a mistake, I really thought I could use time to prove everything and to change a person. No, this can never be done. A person will never be touch by my love or each and everything that I've done. Every time I will never fail to be there, never fail .. But I've fail the biggest challenge of all. Patients, tolerance .. will not change back any love.
You told me that I shouldn't had even went Perth to look for you. Maybe I really shouldn't... The day I made that decision to go, no matter how many people were against me, I still insist. Knowing that working in Pbank kills me, I should have stopped long ago, but just for that trip, I drag myself to work still, being strong in every way so that I can earn enough to make things come true. Do you know your one sentence already made me feel like whatever I've done was all purely wasted.
I've sacrifice so much all along, you said you wanted to stay until January at first, I'm fine with that, I know you wouldn't be able to attend my graduation, celebrating birthday, Christmas or even new year yet I never even long for more. I've only ask for you to come back during next cny, you've never even give me a chance to explain why, even I ever do try to tell you my reasons, you'll only think that I'm just purely doing everything for my own sake. I wonder, does staying 1 or 2weeks more will really made a difference? Speaking about mature, do you think paying the extra rent for one month while staying 1 or 2weeks more is worth? I know you're born with a silver spoon in your mouth, money doesn't really matter to you.
My reason? Since I'm working there would hardly be any long holiday other than CNY, where chinese boss normally let their employees off longer. I was hoping that you could maybe be around that time, then I can bring you to my relatives house to enjoy those good food once again. For me, it's like a season that everyone can come back together for once and be together. And I was just hoping that I can be together with the one I love.
I've even strive so hard to find a job. What for? I have a family with 3siblings and only with one source of income from my dad, I have a 25K of loan to pay off, I have no allowance. Even so, every month I was just thinking I can eat less and even not buy clothes/shoes and stop all my shopping so that I can earn enough money again to pay you a visit. Also, trying to arrange a date where I can go, do u even know when I find a job I even consider about you? Looking for a mon-fri job so that I can take leave where there's long public holiday, in every where, here and there I've never failed to think of you. But would you ever do the same for me? Or your friends will always come first in your life. Probably I've really done too much that made you feel like I'm a nothing to you anymore. I should do all this for you, supposed it's my responsibility.
Why it's so hard to love a person? Why it's even harder to give up when you know you should?
Tonight, you've killed my heart, it had stopped beating at the moment when you said "I can choose not to come back at all.."
That moment onwards I knew how much I really meant to you after all .. I have to swallow each hurting words you say .. you've never bother how much pain I endure, to you my tears will only be nonsense or an act of childish
I am .. deeply hurt .. if a blade can take away all the pain I have now, I will do it for sure .. I do not want to be with someone that calls his own gf a bitch .. Now you all know how worthless I am?
She always said to me .. One day I will find a man who loves me more than I've ever wanted, I'm yet to wait for that person to come into my life
So who's the one who refuse to grow up afterall? Me? Nope, I already know how to work hard to raise a family, to pay back all my education debts. I'm not like some other, where parents can give them everything. I'm not that lucky. You're the one who's not growing up. Only knows how to think of friends and having fun all the time and refuse to come back and start a career. You tell me, you've not stayed in Perth for long, hello? Then what are you doing all this while? I don't even get a chance to fucking step out of the country like you do. You've almost visited almost every corner of that place, No? Everything I want I have to work hard for it. Do you ever care to know how this feels at all? Every time you use an excuse I know there's something that you're hiding from me. Grow up? you should grow up, what more can you get from part time job? Find a real job then I will say you know how to think. I don't have alot of money to waste like you do. adv_username = "suzannetan"; adv_gid = "suzannetan_default"; adtype = "180x150";
Author **Suzanne** @ 3:13 AM
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