Susubear Little Inn: I've forgotten how to smile ...

Seeking My True Self

Wednesday, August 06, 2008

I've forgotten how to smile ...

I thought at least my life wouldn't be so miserable after I start a permanent job but just to realise things are really not that easy after all. I still have no projects on my hand yet, there's one but very small one so there's nothing to do until datelines come in. So you'll see me on msn and facebook very often, btw the company is pretty relaxing, they do not stop you from using, of course under the condition that you must get your work done. Colleagues even turn on some detective games to play. Small company less politics I guess, around 5.30 everyone will start getting very sien from their job and start chating and walking around the office. Ahh, the office looks like party, everyone will buy tons of junk food, sweet and chocalates stored in their cupboard. No wonder all those red ants walking on my table.

I can't sleep the whole last night, first it is because I can't breath properly, next is my stomach is burning. So I end up only falling asleep at 5am and waking up at 7.20am. I feel like taking sleeping pills tonight, it's really torturing, the feeling of tired but you just can never fall asleep. I kept forcing myself to sleep but no I'll just wake up every minute. I got so fedup with myself I started crying, the torture feeling is just like you want to die but no you just can't die. You rather die than suffering. Mentally torturing, I have insomnia at times, really torturing. Probably my mind have too many things going on? Or I have this typical fear. No I think it's depression. It's torturing and making my life span depleting.

You don't understand why I always said I want someone beside me ... I only can say it's due to many factors around me, since I'm young or the past everything has accumulated and I have no way of letting it out. All this will only leave me when everything comes to an end. I hope the end will come soon, because I'm really tired of waiting, times when you need a shoulder .

I don't know how to stand 6 more months like this ...

I've forgotten how to smile ...

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