Susubear Little Inn: Lost

Seeking My True Self

Monday, August 06, 2007

Lost

Lost, I mean lost in life, some say it's part of the growing process, some say I'm not strong enough.

No I've not lost the faith to God, just lost every morning having to wake up and repeating the same usual routine. Always hoping that the night come soon so that I could talk to him. Always missing him and wanting to talk to him.

Really does feels like part of my life is gone. I used to have those days, waiting for him in college and we'll go out together for a movie and he'll accompany me for lunch.

Now, I don't wish to go home because I'll feel lonely. I have to tumpang ppl's car all the time. I wait blindly thinking what to do. I feel like I've lost something.

He used to wait for me at the cafeteria and staircase all the time. He took my books, hold my hand and say let's go dear. We have our lunch together when we have the same breaks.

Now, when I walk down the staircase there were no longer anyone there waiting for me. No one to drive me out for lunch again for my favourite food.

There's only a phone call away or probably just 5kms away when I needed a shoulder to lean on.

Now phone calls is at RM1 at 1 minute. I could only cry silently in the bathroom, hiding in my own room, hiding in the blanket hugging the pig and cry myself to sleep.

He always irritates me and make me laugh. He makes lame jokes which I don't think it's funny but then I still laugh for him=P

Now it feels so quiet around me. Somehow miss the irritating part now, it's no longer irritating but turned to loneliness. Just to realise that it makes me happy. No more jokes to laugh, no matter whether it's really funny or not.

Whenever there's any new movie, he'll be the first to tell me and book the tickets.

Now, if I don't look at the papers I don't even know what movies are there. I'm just too lazy to go watch movie alone.

I always pulled him to go shopping and beg him to bring me to the mall even he hated so much about it and we ended up arguing all the time because he hate it whenever I go into shops like Watson, Padini, Vincci and clothes shops. He always told me that he sakit perut wanna go home soon and pang sai or he complain he's very tired if I spend more than half an hour in the mall.

Now, I rather he make all sorts of stupid excuses as long as I can go out with him.

We always argue until the house collapse. (None of wants to know how we fight, only those who are closed enough to us had seen before). Then in less than few hours time, we'll be holding hand again as if there was nothing happen at all. He shows his temper to me and scold me until I cry, then after few hours again he'll say sorry and he didn't mean it.

Now, there's no chance to argue at all because the time and money are precious. Missing those days, when he would use to "tam" me back.

Anyway, if I were to continue writing it'll be like 100pages long?

Many people starting to be busy with their own life, I'll understand. Everyone grows up and went on a separate way, just that I'm still not moving forward, I can't catch up with them, I fall back and feel lonely instead. Seems that good ol' days are no longer around the corner, I have to pick up my burdens and continue walking the road.

This is where we started our journey ..

And I still love him until today .. more and more when the days pass by

here is the most touching message I've ever got from him T.T

suzanne,

i never left you, my heart is always with you. I came here not to leave you, but to provide a better future for you. I guess this is a test God placed for the both of us, the test of time that we must now endure. Do not worry dear, perseverance will not bring us down, but will eventually make us stronger, I do not wish to make you sad. I promise you I will return as soon as I finish my studies, or better yet I may take you and bring you here with me.

We will see where our future leads, do not worry.

I love you and I always will....

Caine.

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