I sure have accomplished alot during 2007, the most successful one would be the completion of my Commerce Bachelor Degree in the planned 3years time. Another one would be visiting Japan. What else? I know, living without a boyfriend for months and I still manage to survive. See I dont have many friends around and if I do ask them out which I don't do anymore because I'm tired of hearing the answer that they're busy. Of course everyone have their own life and mine would be rotten-ing at home until I find a job. Oh I forgot I'm supposed to get my transcript to apply.
They say every new year will be a great one, but how great is mine? I would say no not that great at all.
You see everything I do at home will be wrong. They say I'm lazy ... Always sleep like 3am and wake up when the sun is shinning right on top of the sky. You know why? Because to me it's easier to pass the time during night and more difficult during the day. In short, I'm just running away by trying to sleep more.
One day I took up the pan and decided to fry and they say ... You better not do anything or you'll break every single thing in the kitchen. Yes I sucked, my IQ is pretty low, because I fell and knocked my head when I was 3months old. SO my brain might not work at times.
I pour tea and accidentally the stupid teapot cover fell off and knock off a cup filled with tea. They say I'm useless everything I do also I fail. Great, I'm that stupid.
Just because I have my life here in PJ and I don't go back to parent's house at times, they say I don't love them. Yes, I'm just another failure of the family?
When I asked why I have weird dots on my skin when I was young, and I wondered was I from planet Mars ?
I'm lazy, I'm stupid, I'm useless ... what else do you want to count in me? I've been brought up like this, including friends who said I'm a ugly weirdo so they refuse to play with me.
Slowly many many of these things in my life had brought such hard impact that makes me fall into depression state.
Nope neither of this will stop right? I'm just faking a smile, dragging myself to move on until I find a way to solve.
I don't know why everything I say or do, seemed to insult many. Maybe they just don't like my face?
Yes I'm a selfish one, I only think about me, myself and I, how to get myself happy and that's it. Yup I really waited for months to get a holiday break to go somewhere and I'm dying to go. I can't take disappointment at all. When I was young once my cousin promise to take me go shopping and the next hour she said she's not free, so I bug and yell and cry until my mom brings me out. And I was still crying in the shopping complex? Where did I gained this kind of attitude?
Why am I so worry all the time and getting depressed over some small things? Probably due to those days, when my parents tried to bring me home and without fail I'll cry everytime they bring me back even at the age of 13?14? All this had seemed to formed a fear within me, whereby I'm one with super high uncertainty avoidance (big 5 theory of personality). Or when my aunts go to work everyday, I'll cry and cry... for what? I really dunno, those day.
I tend to ask question like ... am I irritating? am I not good enough? why am I like this and that .. blahh ... or I'll say I'm sorry for being useless, sorry that I'm not good.
You may call all this self pity.
All this still makes me feel like I'm just an extra burden to family, friends and boyfriend. I tend to think that they would be better off without me, even at times planned to run away in whatever ways I can. For now I only think but no action, won't gurantee if one day my brains failed.
Sometimes I just look at the mirror and I asked myself, who's this? weird did I lose my brains. adv_username = "suzannetan"; adv_gid = "suzannetan_default"; adtype = "180x150";
Author **Suzanne** @ 12:49 AM
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