Susubear Little Inn: Seeking for Happiness

Seeking My True Self

Saturday, August 18, 2007

Seeking for Happiness

For half of my life, I've been spending most of the time seeking for happiness.

First, I started up by growing up here brought up by my aunt and grandmother. For my parents told me that their too busy to take me home. So I grew up without knowing how does it feels like to have a family. I learn to rely alot on others, every time my aunt went away from me to work I would start to cry. I easily get jealous and always afraid that things may be taken away from me. Probably due to my incidents when I was young, I always didn't wanted to go back to my parent's place because I'm so used to the environment here.

Some may have lived a perfect childhood as they have a perfect family but some may not. Yet, I cannot place the blame on anyone as this is what brings up the person I am now.

I've never forget on moments when I was young when one day my aunt told me not to follow my mom if she comes to the kindergarten to take me away. I was only 5years old, do you think I know what that means? Yet, one night my mom told my dad "I'm gonna bring all our kids and go jump down from the building and let your regret". Well, there are so many haunting memories that never left my mind until now but yet I guess I can't reveal too much here.

Proceeding to primary life, where I'm a timid lil girl always the shortest and the thinest among all. Always chosen to be seated right infront of the class. Friends, well not sure whether are they friends afterall, love to bully me and also make fun of me, because I was so timid. Spent all my recess time alone all the while, because friends told me "I don't want to friend you". Ok fine, then studying in "good" classes in Yuk Chai wasn't that easy at all. Pressure. I'm the only child here so I spent most of my time playing and imagining my "imagination friend" (Hm, like the one in cartoon network?). Playing masak-masak serving to errr imagination customer. Fun?

Proceeding to secondary school, situations turned better after I've met the other 6friends of mine in PBSM. Even better when I met the blessing in my life, haha which is my darling now. Nothing much about secondary life, just having friends would love to insult me even until today O.o Keen's restaurant and McDonalds days were good. Marching under the hot sun at 12pm for 2-4hours was definitely a challenge for me. Attending camps that test strengths and ability to adapt in the forest was a great experience. Also, learning how to lead gave me courage.

Proceeding to college life was another big step whereby spoon feed is taken away from us. I went in my foundation course alone without really knowing anyone there. In college, I've learn how to speak up infront of people and no longer is the timid lil girl I used to be. Well, had some rough time during my foundation year and Year 1 of my degree, which I almost flung my management and law paper.

It's the 1st time ever I've experience depression while I was doing my individual assignment for management and yes asked for extension yet I still fail the assignment but not the whole unit. Same goes for law, I was having really bad times when I was going through exams. Well, I don't need to mention what things I'm trying to say here as many already knew what happened in the past. These went on for years until I really suffered deep down, even having a deep scar until today. I'm afraid of the past.

Happiness, probably I've found half of it during the beginning of this year. He started giving me back his heart who only belongs to one after years of parting it into two. The Tokyo trip was the most unforgettable moments in my life as well as the Redang one. These is when he started to love me like how he used to be, these is when I feel happy after going through years of suffering.

However, the time was not long it was only 5months and he had to leave me behind. But love and prayers never fails, he's still the one being there for me all the while when I needed someone the most. He care for me even more when I'm down and most importantly he never fails to make me smile. Never knew that you're even willing to put our pictures as the wallpaper, don't know but just felt that our love is so much more stronger now? weird. I'm truly touched by everything he wrote and did for me lately.

Happiness, I'm still seeking for you ..

Like in the rooms we studied for cg, for the rumpus room after God transformed it there's where the real joy, satisfaction , friendship and happiness came in. I'm longing for the day where I'll be able to do so.

I find it hard to understand human hearts, why some only selects people around to be friend .. why some only made concern of those they think it's worth ..