Susubear Little Inn: A silly girl name Suzanne

Seeking My True Self

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

A silly girl name Suzanne

The one who's hopelessly devoted to one with no returns, being hurt numerous times in life is me. Though the surface of it looks like everything was perfect, but deeply inside there are many things that others do not see. Everytime, I kept reminding myself that I just shouldn't do too much for one, as I place too much hope in one, that everytime returns to failure, the unbearble pain is only me who truly knows it.

From months ahead I've start planning things until when the day comes. Somethings cannot be done in an hour time, yet a day time or a week time. It requires much effort and time, commitment and patients.
-I've sing numerous times until my voice is gone just to make the music perfect.
-Much sleep time is sacrifice where I minimize it to 6 hours of sleep per day for me now
-Multitasking require to complete many things in the same time
-Spend much time in looking for perfect gifts, practically walking whole of 2 shopping complex
There are many that I wouldn't go into details in here

Some said "How do I wish my girlfriend would do such things for me" yet for those who had one they do not learn to appreciate. As I've said, one appreciate more on what others do compared to mine. Even there's like little things compare to mine which is much more greater. A whole long page of e-mail about appreciation would be sent to others compare to mine which is just a mere "Thank You". Now I truly start to wonder where do I stand in one's heart? Or one will just never realise he have such person in his life until one lost it one day.

I do not understand why must it be so unfair? Why must I be treated this way as I've done far much more? People do get a e-mail of appreciation, what did I get in return? Not even a sms saying that one really do appreciate things I've done afterall ? Don't one understand that even msgs could be very encouring and would eventually make the person feel that what she had done all the while was worth afterall? Well, I've been waiting for days at least expecting no msgs, maybe at least can be shown in actions? Still .... I've waited for nothing.

Now there are many doubts filled within myself, I start to wonder, why did I do so much? Just merely to make one happy? But what do I have left for myself? Only pain and tears? would one even bother to feel my pain to fit into my shoes and not be selfish all the time? I feel so dejected as if nothing I did was right at all.

Appreciation is not merely by saying a "thank you", if you can do more for little things others had done for you, WHY not MINE ? I thought at least one would be awake that who's the one he should truly appreciate after all circumstances but somehow it still remains the same. Sometimes people just do not realise how important or precious is something, only after that it is gone and too late.

Maybe you're not the one. The one I've waited is one who tells me how sweet I am when I sing to him but not laughing and making fun of me. Maybe I've grown same does apply on my perception which is different from time to time. I wanted someone who truly cares and appreciate me, but not someone who do not realise the past mistakes and kept repeating it.

I had enough, enough of waiting, everything has exceeded my limits, I have got no grounds of tolerance anymore. I feel hurt, truly hurt deep inside my heart. If there's mistakes in life, why still keep repeating it? If you know the consequences of doing such things would create misunderstanding why still keep doing it? Don't you know you're hurting another person deeply, ruining another person's life, by little means of matters that is done?

I only had 2 hours of sleep last night and yet I'm still here typing. Ah who cares, whatever.

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