Susubear Little Inn: A knife being stab right into my heart

Seeking My True Self

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

A knife being stab right into my heart

The title describe how I feel right now. The feeling of one sharp knife being stab right into my heart where the pain is unbearable, where the blood would not stop flowing as where my tears would not stop falling. I've been patient, all the while, all the time. I've no longer could hold my feeling of being patient anymore, there's really limits. If one would know how much he had done that causes so much pain on me, when only one will find out? I guess never since I'm always the one bearing all pain from what one has done.

One would not come to you when he is sad and down, instead head to another girl instead. Is one really treating you as a girlfriend? Much pain and impact that has really brought to me(1st knife stab into my heart). You are only needed when one really need you in something. One will only tell problems and confess all toubles out to another girl (2nd knife stab into my heart). Now, I do question, where do I really stand in one heart. One even complains to buy you a sweet that only cost 1.20 where one don't have money. Where one does not complain when he's going to spend another girl dinner(3rd knife stab into my heart). Well, am I really worth less than a sweet that barely cost 1.20? Or well some other girl is worth to spend more than one me because I'm just some old junk. One trying to hide all things and lie to you (4th knife stab into my heart). Faithful and sincere, I guess these word would never appear in my personal dictionary nor in the partner my life.

I've been questioning myself. Why do I need to do so much yet I know nothing will be appreciated in the end? I really wish I could throw away everything I'm planning to do now, Ok fine just throw all away!! including that piece of potrait that would not worth even a cent, I'm gonna burnt it, YAY !!(Even setting up a store to draw, people would pay me). I'm worthless in the eyes of the non-beholder, yet nothing that is done will be appreciated.

Every question I asked, I'll expect no answer from it. As if I want a answer, I guess my tears would had filled a bucket, or my throat would be burnt out for asking question with no one answering. Yes I'm terrible, as what one said. Terrible for being a stupid girl all the while. Many would say I DESERVE this, many would even take it as my fault. Want to know why? They claimed that I'm stupid for being faithful all along this years. Now I understand why, so many people rather choose not to be faithful as in the end they'll get themselve hurt.

4 knives stab right into my heart. I guess my heart would be stop beating, as it could not stand any longer. My heart is DEAD. Blood that flows, scars that remain. Love is so sweet, yet so hurting. Choose to love, prepare to be hurt. One will blame another on faults and problems. The most hurting part would be one have another girl in one heart. Told you, my heart is dead.

I find no one, I seek no one. "Pillows are my best friends, they are my shoulder when I need them". This is the only thing I have to cry on. I shall sleep and not wake up to face the day.

Pain? It's already until the stage where nothing can be used to describe the pain I feel right inside my heart. MY HEART IS DEAD !!

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