Day 1
This will only be open to read on the day when I no longer belong here. Why? Because people will only appreciate and learned to cherish when one is gone. When one is still here, they take you for granted of everything that you do for them. Every word you say, they'll take it as rubbish. Every word you write, they'll think that you're just plain irritating.
As usual, he always tells me he have no mood to talk to me neither he do ever listen to me. As time goes by, I've slowly backed off and stopped telling him whatever I felt deep inside my heart. Is there any use? Since everything I said is always wrong and he will never have a heart to listen.
Took years to give me a card from years to years, there'll be not even a year or any special ocassion that it may ever come true. Don't think of giving me when I'm in my grave, I won't be able to read nor even touch. Everything till then will be useless and too late. And don't even bury me with those cards, because I no longer want them especially it's from you. Like what you've said, it's pointless and not meaningful anymore.
The moment I stepped into memory lanes looking at those beautiful cards with meaningful messages, I was imagining someone standing there picking one of those for me.
I've never asked for anything expensive before ever from you, if you do buy for me I would scold you and ask u to keep the money to buy a house in future instead. Neither I do like flowers, a bouque costing 100 over but dying in 2 days time. Compared to a card most expensive costing 10plus, he called me demanding, he said I'm asking too much in that way.
Others said I'm one that every guy wish to have, because I don't ask for much, neither I asked for branded items. Little things make me happy easily.
Yes, I've given out so much, sometimes I do feel tired and hope for some return as well. When you're scolding me, have you ever thought during those times when you're unwell, I will purposely take leave and buy you things to come and take care of you? If you do recall, there's not even once that I'm not there for you. But if you count in return, you're always not there for me. You'll ask me to go see a doctor by myself. Even my ass is in pain, you would rather leave me and ask me to drive there by myself. Not even a single concern that anything might happen or how it hurts to sit and drive like that .. or you'll just use the word that you said to me all the time "I don't know what to do with you" .. This is the same with asking me to go die. The other thing is that you'll find me so irritating and embarassing you just because I'm unwell. Not only that you don't help me, but you always just leave me there and said "can you stop it !". If you were in my shoes, being me everything is so hard, don't you think I don't wish to stop? DO you think I like to embarass myself? You're just purely selfish, you've never thought of how I feel.
I really don't have anymore, no ... totally 0 feelings, that kind of feelings with you anymore. I've put up some much with you that I'm feeling so tired being with you even another second.
Story of Day 1 : He argued with me over a card, he said I'm terrible, demanding and there's nothing that can make me happy.
My view point: It's just a card, is it worth so much of my tears? Btw, he don't even care if I'm crying neither am I dead. Like I said don't burn or ever place any card from Caine Chan ever, when I'm dead, I do not wish to receive any "unmeaningful" card from him. Just like what he said, "Now you make me don't even feel like buying since it's meaningless". I agree, don't. Really.
And you have a lot fo girls for you there on your the other fake facebook account, use them to have TFK as you wish. You're the most pervert guy I've ever met in my life. Even Jaslyn photo you would keep to use it when you're itching ... puke
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I wiIl NEVER live a life of HYPOCRITE
I do not like to live with hypocrites, that's why it is kinda hard for me to find a friend who's like me. To tell you the truth and I can admit that I'm definitely not those "Holy Holy Girl" and not those who have an "Innocent Face".
I don't find anything wrong with drinking if I don't do anything bad other than that .. That's the time to destress from work and have fun with my girl friends. You must be as sampat as me or as crazy and boy-ish like me in order to get along. So far, my college friends are the few that can put up with me and do dumb things at shopping complex or where ever and we're not bothered by how people around us tend to stare. As long as I live my life happily, why care about what others think?
My other discovery so far is my colleague, people is circulating that both of us is lesbian in the office, they say we do everything together and we tell each other every secrets. They "classified" us as twins and make fun of us. Excuse me, I don't even give a shit about that. At least I dare to do and I'm not afraid of what others say as long as I'm walking right. Better than some bitch who gossips behind and fat hiao infront of guys, am I right?
Me and her, we still can proudly say "We're YOUNG and there's so much opportunity out there and we can wear cute and sexy clothes without others saying - Wa Lau you what age dy?"
That's the problem when you stuff the who office with girls and women, who are old in age and single?
Well as least I'm proud to say "I don't say one thing, and do another thing infront of others". I don't go and tell people how Holy I'm and how much I want to change and I won't go clubbing, drinking or change my closet and infact doing those behind, just that church people can't see them. The ME who's in the morning and the ME who's at night.
I think my mom did not gave birth to 3 girls and 1 boys. Infact all of us is boy. What to do, when you always mingle around with all guy cousins and they taught you how to play toy guns and fight kung fu style. All this had brought me to who I'm today and I'm never ashame to be who I am.
Opppss, now you know where I work and the company's name.
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A failure of faithfulness
Words of caring would be so much more better than brushing me off every time. Really make me wonder, there's no relationship that will last. People tend to get fed up easily and they change their mind everytime. I wish I can let go of things easily and walk out of the shadow of depression soon and live with a smile everyday.
I can't. I need support from people around me, I will fall in one night just because of some matters. I do not want to live in the past. I want to forget about every pain that I have went through.
Are you one of them who are helping me?
Do you know how does it feels to have like 30packets of medicine infront of me, because I've visited the doc more than 10times this year.
Also, every night there's tons of medicine I need to take before I sleep? Why me? Why I'm always the one falling sick. I am really tired.
These medicine will continue a year, if I do heal. Most important part still lies in my brain, medicine will only boost me up until a level and they need to be stop one day.
I'm looking forward to the day that I can stand still and tell others that I'm a normal human being. How is this possible when the closest person refuse to even lend a helping hand but only pushing me deeper everyday? I only wanted words of caring, am I asking too much?
How will you feel when you're down, yet people is using discouraging words on you. Pain, if that's from the person you love dearly.
I wish to sleep and not wake up from my dream. Only be awake when people learns to appreciate.
Human made mistakes but not too often, I have given many chances. When you regret one day, that will be the day when it's too late.
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How Long Ago is My Last Post?
I don't even remember when was my last post. Whereby I've stopped blogging a while back, I guess that's what is gonna happen to us when we're just way too busy with life - Work, Play, Sleep. Mostly is work 70% a day. Agree? There's no such thing as work life balance anymore and does not apply here in Malaysia. I've only heard of people working to death.
Thanks to some irresponsible
fellor I'm now quarantined at home, NO as everyone is worrying about H1N1 the fatal virus for now, I'm down with Rubella what they call "Fake Measles" in
cantonese. The doctor cannot confirm because I'm half half the symptoms - i.e. rashes that looks alike and
swollen lymph nodes. However no fever, weird I'm.
I
memang is a very weird person/human being from the beginning right?
I am still
figuring or I have concluded that the working world out here is a world full of meanies and full of competition whereby people can just do anything for their own benefit. If I don't try to protect myself, one day someone is just going to kill me silently with a knife. I admit
alot of times that I do say a lot of things to protect my own benefits. Also, I do things that solely on what you call selfish. Else? How on am I supposed to survive the cruel world out here.
Does being someone different meaning others can see it? I don't think so. Or others can feel? I think this only applies to someone or I should call a good friend that I can trust. ONLY her.
OK, so I'm stuck at home until my blood test is out or until Sunday? I am needing tons of fresh air and good food. Working from home is so bored when there's 0 motivation. There's no one to talk to. No Ivy to come pinch my ass, gosh I'm missing her?? Ah, I'm so in love with her =P
So today I went through a
concall, as you know I am not allowed to go out and infect others (but others can come infect me, hey this isn't fair). Here is how the
concall went ..
Bee (my colleague) dial from office to connect us, let's just jump straight to the call
A: So what is wrong with you? You confirm got measles one or not (In VERY sarcastic tone)
Me: Er, no the doctor say have to wait until blood test report is out
A: You sure you're not faking by using a red marker to draw dots over yourself and tell others that you're sick? (Haha, f*** you is so not a funny joke)
Me: Why would I do so? (Bloody B**** you want me to show you my medical cert or I come personally to you and stripped off to show you my hands, legs, body and private part that so called I use marker to draw even on my ass hole where I cannot reach?)
A: I thought you purposely do so because you don't wanna come out to have meeting with me or you're scared of me (OHH, I'm more than happy to go out because I'm gonna rot soon, you want some virus too? I love needles I with that I have one now to take some of my blood out now and poke on your head)
Me: Er, no? Just that I can't go out because I would infect others? (Wish that you're pregnant and your baby bcome cacat)
A: Aiyar, where got such things cannot go out one .. (I so wish to go so close to you and infect you with Rubella then your turn to stay home and I don't need to get instructions from you !! Oh YAY!)
Can you imagine that there's such mean people on this earth? And most of them are WOMEN ! What the ..
Quote from Ivy - If you have any "Winter melon taufu, three long two short" (Tong Gua Tau Fu, Sam Cheong Leong Deun) don't come and find me.
I know I'm not supposed to think that way, but I just can't help ..
Why such people do not get punishment in their life, but why so many good people with kind heart out there have to suffer? Whereas people like these are living rich and have all the authorities to critise others.
"Wo Bu Ren Ming, Wo Ye Bu Hui Ren Ming" - From Little Nyonya
What A day, tomorrow will be a better day .. Always look to the brighter side. Can't wait for my Aussie trip, my boots and winter jacket are shouting "Suzanne I miss you".
Muahh, end my day happily and not letting others affect me, that's how life should be. Live the way you want it to be and let not the factors determine and take over your life.
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Dog eat dog human eat human world
Face the fact that we're living in such world, proceed to the working arena and you will know what I am trying to say here.
Some just plainly have no feelings or understanding for others, some treat you so well that you would stay for them and even wanting to buy a thank you card.
Some screams and used harsh words, some just sit down patiently and tell you where is your mistake and how to improve in future.
Some just show you black long face as if you've step on their tail, some just smile at you all day and ask if you're fine or you need any help.
Some just tell you "I don't care whatever problem you have, just finish that piece of work", some just care and say "Do let me know if you have any problems coping or there's too much workload or you need a raise or you just need a listening ear"
Some just think that you should work all the time during working hours because you are paid, some just think that will be fine if you go on surfing to clear your mind for a while as long as you finish your task.
Some just won't even pay for your lunch or even sit down with you, some just say let's go for lunch today is my treat because I'm your boss and I had never treat you anything.
Some just think that you're lazy because you go home at 6pm sharp everyday, some just smile wave goodbye and say see you tomorrow.
Some just think that you must strictly follow the rule, lunch 1 hour is 1 hour no more than that coming back late is a NO NO, some just think that will be fine sometimes we should take longer hours to relax and spend time with colleague if we have nothing important in hand.
Some just call you at wee hours and tell you something which he/she can tell you tomorrow which is so not urgent, some just say this is not working hours and we should just have a casual chat and say nothing about work.
I can continue this list forever ..
In working world there's many different people with different attitudes. I face both above, working under her I stayed back late everyday and under stress that I could not cope. However under her I'm glad to have her, she taught me and treated me like a friend. I will thank her one day for what she have done and help me throughout when I'm still so fresh. I hope that God will bless her family and cure her mother. Good people should deserve such blessings in life.
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Untitled
Lying on the bed and the blanket is like a protection for me, covered from toe to my head, don't want to see anything nor hear anything.
Regret can never let you turn back the time and unchanged the things you do not want or wish to be in the situation as you are currently in.
Sleep does not give you rest until your mind has fully shut down and leave behind all things of the day.
Human is not the one you can depend on or trust, they at times betray you or they do not value you.
Medicine is what I rely on today yet work stress and personal matters are pulling me down. How am I going to recover when people around me is not trying to help?
I am tired. Always tired. Sleep.
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Struggling to hang on there
Some of you would know what I'm saying here, some might not ...
I'm having a hard time to hang on from what I've build on
Out of my capability of handling things by my own, I decided to seek help finally after 4-5years, I broken down on Friday when I finally could't hold anything anymore
I'm glad for each and every family member who helped me through and also some friends
9 months is going to be a long draggy process of healing
If you don't know anything about my past and what had been going on in my life, I suggest to you just don't give comments based on your own thoughts
NEVER easy to pick up myself, NEVER as easy as said, NEVER to be like how you put in those brilliant words
Still I thank you for those who's around me
I love ya'll just give me some time and I will smile again, as of now, I'm just like a dead fish
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