Susubear Little Inn: There's something that I can't let go ....

Seeking My True Self

Wednesday, April 08, 2009

There's something that I can't let go ....

I'm searching, looking up and down for something that I can't let go until today. I do not know what is the real thing that is hindering myself not to open up but still kept within myself and boiling and being kept within my heart until today. I want to find the main cause and letting go all at once, because these had really been bothering me for years and until today things are no where on the better side. I always wanted to find a chance to tell or express myself however I fail every single time.

These things had been dragging me all these years, making me feel lifeless and thinking negative all the while. Also not willing to accept things easily. Even giving me sleepless nights. I only know that I'm mentally tied down to something that I'm not willing to let go or I will say something that I'm afraid.

I should be glad for the job I'm doing now which is kind of easy going whereby I get to go the office at 9.15-6.15 or 6.30 or like that everyday. Overall not too stress, just that sometimes I have nothing to do at all or sometimes I have tons of things waiting for me to get them done. Either nothing to do or super busy. Staying back late for work once a while but not all the time. However, I still feel that I'm not satisfied. I'm looking for something more, something that I like to do. Well, the thing is I don't even know what I like to do ? Am I too demanding or I'm just purely a spoil brat who wants to suck money from people and just sleep and do nothing at home. When I have nothing to do, I want to work. When I got a job, I want to stay home and sleep. Nothing to say about the pay, small pay but at least during these bad times I still earn a living.

I think I'm a spoiled brat. I love weekends and I enjoy sleeping until 11-12am every single day. I kept thinking of going holiday. I kept looking at the calender non stop to count the public holiday.
I have many ideas within me, just that I'm so lazy to use my brain. I'm so happy when Friday is here an I'm so down when Sunday nights comes.

I doubt my relationship at times, having no confident at all. Although I'm well love, but still I still feel that there's something that creates a big gap in between ever since then .. Many said if continue with the mended broken heart, this is what will happen.. Unless starting a new relationship that is fresh and no scar was there then things will only go right. Because seeing that person or when you argue, we tend to bring back the past to use as a weapon to each other? That will only create more hurts. I really do not know how to go about.

Oh God please tell and help me what is hindering me from opening up all the while? Just search my heart deep within and tell me what's going wrong with me.

1.15a.m. and I have meeting with client tomorrow and I'm not sleeping yet ..

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